Many Million Dreams Ago • Ch. 9 of 10
The Chapter’s Song:
I thought of all I’d lost in the last ten years. The girlfriends—, in all of their shades—, were gone. Now the drinks kept me company. And the bottle makes three, I thought to myself. It was all I had left to remind me of a time gone by. I grabbed the glass neck and lifted the bottom upwards—, downing all the drops, drowning all the dreams, escaping once more into a permanent nightfall. Deep down into the things that I’d missed out on I went; weddings, birthdays, events that’d never come around again. I could’ve gone with the women I’d loved before and sat by any one of their sides, making whoever she’d be proud of me and maintaining the relationship at a healthy level, instead of having it dip well-beneath decent standards. I closed my eyes and dreamt of their lips again. How I’d give anything to press mine up against them just one more time. I’m so sorry, I thought to myself and no one else. I regretted all the moments that’d passed by which I’d made a mess of. I wished I had another chance at them once more—, to make it right, to make it meaningful, and to make them all so much more beautiful than the first time around. Remorseful me.
I began walking the streets of downtown alone. I needed to be around people but I knew that nobody could understand exactly what I was going through either. So I just blended in with the crowd. I made my way back down towards Michigan Avenue and recalled all the times I’d walked it before with others by my side. I saw visions of myself looking through the various display windows again. I saw visions of myself getting down on one knee again. I saw all of these things and couldn’t help but feel a slight sting in my side from all my former faults. All the while, I was living in my dream city and still, I felt a hollowness from deep within—, an unexplainable emotion to anyone else around me. I again, heard myself musing aloud;
“We should move here one day.” Like the blanket of time folded and wrapped around itself, bringing my past up to my present and permanently fusing the two together. Now that I was finally here, I didn’t know how to take hold of it all and enjoy it to its fullest extent. What’s the point of living in such a wonderful place if there’s nobody to share its scenes and sights with? I had it. At one point in time—, I had it all. Now; nothing but the commotion of the city outside my studio window. I got the world but lost the girl—, either with the Dark Eyes, the Epic Tattoos, or the Gorgeous Smile. What an appropriate ending to another one of my life’s chapters. It seemed like the overall theme was getting stuck on repeat. The reader didn’t even need to finish the phrase—, it was already spelled out from the beginning. I needed to change books or at the very least—, change genres mid-adventure. What was there to do but keep writing out my story? Onward I went—, with a blank piece of paper and pen at the ready.
The weather outside was quickly turning into a dreary grey—, scattered thunderstorms would soon be on the way. I decided to run to the corner store one last time for more fuel to add to the ever-growing fire inside my stomach. I stepped out into the calm before the storm—, a very familiar feeling took over me as I noticed how silent everything was. Nothing moved, all was quiet and still. I began walking down towards the main boulevard in my neighborhood. Then—, the tiniest drop. And another. And another. I kept moving right along. Suddenly; a torrent erupted from the sky and down came a cascade of water. I stood in place for a few minutes—, letting it all sink in; the break-ups, the disappointments, all of the regrets piled up into a single mountain of mayhem and I let myself soak within it in the process. Ex-girlfriends’ DNA was in the rain and I let it cover me from head to toe. They dripped down from my brow onto the edges of my dry lips and fell off my chin below. Where are you now?, I asked any one of them through my thoughts. They were everywhere and nowhere at the same time. They were in my past as a memory, in my present as a figment of my imagination, and in my future as someone I’d forever remember. Eventually, the rain washed away all of yesterday’s mistakes and I began feeling brand new for the first time in a very long while. I knew I had to leave my shell of self-pity and get back out in the real world if I was ever going to finally get over my old life.
The days went along as scheduled. Seasons changed, jobs changed, and different friends came in and out of my life. I started taking my own advice as I’d gotten to know someone new recently and we’d decided to meet on our own for the first time halfway in-between our two places. I walked through the streets and avenues and wondered where this would all lead. Not just this spur-of-the-moment meeting but all of these chance encounters I’d been having with random people. I thought that maybe I was just trying to replace previous loves with new and exciting circumstances but I couldn’t be sure. I knew for a fact that I didn’t want to fall into anything deeper than a simple, surface-level love affair that would ultimately go nowhere. Who was I to dictate my future though? Those types of things always happen when someone least expects it —, something deeper. I was never actively looking for a perfect match—, I’d just found her; sitting beside me in class, working beside me at a job, and living nearby in the same building as me. To think I’d actually find another half again wasn’t just unlikely, it took a huge imagination as well. I redirected my attention to the present moment as I saw my new friend walking towards me from across the street. She was wearing a black and white- striped dress and sporting a cute ponytail.
“Hey!,” I said, trying to seem more excited than I truly was. There were streaks throughout her hair and I couldn’t help but notice how pretty they made her look. “Nice highlights.”
“Thanks!,” she replied, slightly surprised that I’d even seen them. We walked the short distance to my apartment while discussing the usual small-talk two people on a first outing alone usually dive into. It didn’t take long to get into the plans for the rest of the evening.
Getting home, she stepped inside the small studio and immediately got comfortable—, pulling up my blue butterfly chair I’d always give to guests as I sat at the desk. I knew where this night was headed—, we both did. Still, I didn’t want to rush anything and cheapen the entire affair with pre-conceived notions that she’d just want to jump into bed as quickly as I did—, so we spoke for some time.
“Do you have any plans for the weekend?,” I politely asked while preparing a couple of drinks.
“I’m actually going to my first dance class tomorrow,” she said. “It’s always been something I’ve wanted to try out.”
“That’s really cool,” I replied, appreciating the fact that she was more fearless than her looks led on. Time passed by as it always does in these types of situations—, each second being one step closer to what both people are ultimately looking forward to. Finally, she let herself get as comfortable as possible. She got up and laid sideways on my bed, propping herself up with one arm. Her dress slid down her shoulder, nearly coming off completely. The moment had arrived. I slowly leaned in for a kiss and brought my hand up to her cheek, gently palming it and bringing her closer to me. We twisted and turned—, all the while removing every article of clothing we had on our bodies. Piece by piece—, we became more and more in tune with each other.
Again, time passed by as it always does in these types of situations. I lit two cigarettes and handed one to her after we’d finished. Laying on our backs, we blew smoke out towards the ceiling and stared up with wide- eyes, wondering if and when we’d see each other again.
“I’m invited to a swingers party next week —, do you wanna be my date?,” she asked with slight innocence.
“Sure—,” I answered back. Why not?, I thought. I’d never attended something like that before and figured now would be as good a time as any to try and see what it was all about. My only concern was that she wanted to be something more than just a temporary fling. I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I’d lost too much and now had very little left of me to give.
The next morning rolled around as I was still reeling from the experience of the night before. I’d thought about how mismatched my feelings on the whole thing were. One half of me felt relieved that I could still have fun with another person while the other parts felt slightly devalued. I’d never been that cut out for one-night stands but I figured everyone goes through a phase.
My date got up and got dressed—, kissing me goodbye before leaving through the front door. Not a handful of hours passed by when I suddenly saw her name flashing across my cellphone as it started to ring.
“Hello?,” I answered.
“Hey—,” she said, “I’m just getting out of my class and was wondering if you had anything to smoke.”
“Yeah, I have a little something. I can meet you outside your place in about thirty minutes.” With that, we hung up our phones and off I was on my way to see her for a second day in a row.
Approaching her house, I could see her already sitting outside on the front steps. She jumped up and came towards me, giving me a big hug.
“So—,” I said, “how was dance class?” We chatted about this and that and though I didn’t have much time to spend, I sat with her on the steps as long as I could. She finally asked if I wanted to get high with her but I shook my head. “I’m sorry—, I have to go,” I regretfully said. Though she called me a week afterwards for the party, I was out of state for an impromptu trip and so, we quickly lost touch. That’s how things seemed to go in a big city—, people came and went at random, in and out of each other’s lives. I wondered if I’d ever make such a tight connection with someone as I had earlier in my life. The thought however, quietly slipped away, as all I needed at that moment was just good company for a night or two—, not another toxic-twin or a self- reflection of any kind. I’d be content with someone whose name I could remember and that was about it.
Back in Chicago, the people began wearing thicker winter coats once more as the leaves began falling off the trees. It was another autumn night when I found myself walking the streets alone. I’d passed by a local pub plenty of times before on my way to the L-train station, but this time was different. People were piled out into the street and the atmosphere inside was loud, crowded, and festive. There was a group of six or so strangers to my right who were huddled up smoking cigarettes by the alleyway when I noticed a sultry look coming from the center of everyone else. She stood out from the other girls around and her voice was as lulling as the rain that began trickling down our faces.
“Hey,” I said from outside the semi-circle of friends. She was already looking at me before I spoke. “Do you guys know where I could get some—,” I brought my fingers up to my mouth, making a smoking motion.
“Yeah,” she calmly said. “Right here.” She pulled out a joint and asked if I wanted to light up with her and her friends. A short while later we went inside the pub and enjoyed ourselves for a couple of hours more.
“So do you live pretty close by?,” she asked me out of nowhere. It was a ten minute walk to my place, so off we went, both eyeing each other the entire trek there. I knew she’d be fun, she knew the same about me. We seemed to click. The only problem with having her over my studio so late at night was that I had already promised a previous friend that he could crash there as well a few days earlier. We didn’t have much time to wrap ourselves around one another so as soon as the door shut behind us, we were in each other’s arms. As soon as the lights turned off, we were in bed. And as soon as we were starting to enjoy ourselves, my friend unlocked the door and walked right in.
“I’m so sorry—,” he said, quickly realizing what was happening. “I’m just going to use the bathroom for a minute and then leave.” We all blushed for a few seconds but didn’t think too much of it—, there was still plenty of time left ahead for us to take advantage of. Suddenly—, an idea.
“Would you be cool with—,” I didn’t have to finish my thought. She knew what I’d meant and slowly nodded. She was both excited and a bit nervous, but I could tell she’d done this type of thing before. Perfect, I thought. My friend exited the bathroom, immediately read the situation, and with that, we began a night’s worth of fun and fantasy-filled revelry.
I couldn’t help but think of past Lovers—, how they themselves would’ve moved and maneuvered through the multitasking of pleasing two different partners at once. The thought made me smile as my friend and I made sure our mutual date enjoyed being the center of attention. After swapping, I situated myself at her frontside and laid down on my back, blowing smoke into the air. She too, like ex-girlfriends, was busying herself with me when I bent up and slowly lifted her chin with my fingers.
“Open,” I gently suggested. She parted her lips as I brought mine right up to them and pushed out the thick fumes from my mouth into hers. She took a nice, deep breath. It was everything I wanted it to be—, and more. The music played on as we too, played on—, well into the night and until early the next morning. My friend got up to leave shortly after everyone was too tired to move anymore.
“We should do this again sometime,” he said and with that, it was just her and I for the rest of the day. We laughed, spoke briefly about our backgrounds, and what our future dream jobs would be. Puff after puff, time rolled by and in a few hours, she too left through my front door with an experience both of us were glad we’d made.
Around the same time, I began talking to a woman who was almost twenty years older than me in her late-forties and found myself over her house one fateful night. We sat on her living-room couch and spoke about topical things until the moment came to finally go into the bedroom. I saw her letting down her hair and thanked The Universe. She saw my scars but graciously said nothing. We each saw what we wanted to see in the other and that was enough for us. After laying on the bed, she slid her hands down her chest, stomach, and toward her jeans. She slowly began making herself comfortable. I nestled my lips near her neck and softly bit her earlobe between whispers of what we should do. Finally, she let out a long exhale as she continued to lay next to me, running her fingers through my hair, staring at me.
“Don’t give up on yourself,” she unexpectedly said. “You’re different.” The words stuck themselves right onto the center of my heart as her sentiment burrowed itself inward.
I thought about all of the different experiences I was having and how I was really just chasing old ones with new partners. I’d been finding lovers but no Lover. No match, no other. I didn’t know where she could be—, in another part of the city, another part of the country, or another part of the world altogether? I thought about the two hundred-plus nations and none of them truly stood out as being separate from the rest. They were all on an equal level, brimming with possibilities and women of all kinds. So many locales with millions of different blonde, brunette, black-haired, blue-eyed, brown-eyed beauties. How could I ever limit myself to one in-particular person with thoughts of complete permanence? Maybe that was just the storybook ending to a fairytale we’re all told growing up. That out of the billions of souls on this planet, not only does our other half exist in the first place, but is in-fact living within our own timeframe, on our own continent, and has all of the qualities we actively seek for in a soulmate. It seemed—, improbable. But then again, so did a lot of other things I’d been through in my life, so I held out some type of hope that one day I’d get to meet her and see her for who she truly is; my reflection, unchanged, untainted, forever the same.